Hope on a Hill
The chairs line the hallways, side walls, and entire room. Crying children, hungry from the wait, climb all over their worn out mothers. The line doesn’t seem to be moving and only God knows what number she is. To tell the truth, He is probably the only one that cares besides her and the three children that have grown tired of the rerun of “Barnie” that’s been playing for 3 hours.
The look of disappointment shows on her face. The frown lines are all to obvious. In a daze, she finds herself wondering how she could have found herself her. Worse yet, how did she bring her children along? They didn’t ask to wait in a line for food. They didn’t ask to be living in a room with 75 others who were as hungry as they are. So, why?? Hope is out of the question…or is it. The door opens, her name is called. A spark lights in her eyes as her name is called into a different room. Not the one where the clerk gives her a look of disgust. Not the room where the same questions are repeated just to be told she was still not worthy of a home. Dragging her children by their elbows, she runs to the door with hope. She runs to the one person she believes can give her rest and more importantly, a place to sleep and eat.
How familiar the story of desperation. The crowd had gathered on the hill side. The sun seemed so close they hid with their heads under their shirts. For what seemed like days, they sat waiting for help. She can’t remember the last time she ate. Everytime she even got a morsel, she divided it among her children. Like ducks, they followed her from “station” to “station”. Her daughter’s long hair hadn’t been brushed in braided in months, their faces hadn’t been washed. When you’re hungry, not much else matters. To this mother, nothing mattered but feeding her babies. She stood in line after line. Sleeping anywhere she could find to sleep until the next line was formed. The past was so far out of reach she couldn’t even remember getting to this place and a future was no where in sight. In this room, the othersdidn’t look down on her. They were all hungry. But outside those doors, everyone looked down on her. “Get a job!!!” she heard from moms group at the local school. Children weren’t permitted to play with hers. They were all outcast. Life could’ve been better…easier. Years of mistakes, hers as well as others, brought her to this hill. Years of trusting the wrong people and ignoring the ones who really cared, had left her penniless and homeless…hungry. Months had turned into years, which had turned into decades. There was no hope of getting out. So, on this hill she waited with the rest. Certainly in her mind, as well as many others, she didn’t deserve any better.
Sitting on the hill that day seemed like any other day. Hot sun, empty stomachs, silence on the hill except for crying children. But then someone new came through. A new face. A new voice. “Come this way” he motioned. Something in his eyes caused her to have enough trust to grab her children and run towards him. No questions asked. They all followed, like a flock of geese heading South for the winter. They were so motivated that they ran and they got there before the speaker did…and they waited.
He was a distinguished man. No suit and tie, no brief case, but such strong cheek bones that He demanded respect. He offered no food, yet. For hours he spoke. He told them stories, gave them direction. Thousands of hungry families sat still to listen. In His eyes, they could see hope.
The sun had finally faded and a cool breeze had settled in. With her shaw, she pulled her children close. The growls of hunger pains echoed. Like a military platoon responding to their leader, several men showed up with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread. “It’s all we have” their eyes revealed to him. The mother’s face dropped. To see all the hungry people that had met Him here, it seemed pointless. Yet, He was unshaken. He raised the food above His head. Looking above he cried out in thanks. He then divided the food among the men and instructed them to hand it to the people.
For the first time in months, the mother ate with her children. Together they ate the bread and fish. The laughed about their journey. They shared stories of a hope for the future. For the first time in months, she saw her children smile. Brushing the hair from her daughter’s eyes, the tears fell from her face.
She was never the same. Her stomach filled, her children smiling, she left that place with hope for a future.
He offers hope..He gives hope. Just as He did for five thousand hungry people on a forgotten hill, He offers food for your spirit. No matter what your past looks like, or if your future seems too far off to recognize, He has hope for you. He has a plan and a hope for a future. Meet Him on that hill. Wherever your hill may be, meet Him there. There is hope!!
“The Ultimate Cure”
With one carry on bag and a torn ticket in your pocket, you think you’ve found a way out. Each passing mile sends the memories fading…you think. On greener grass, your bags have doubled and your mailbox hasn’t changed. When guilt sends you soaring, the past has a way of gripping every detail of your present. The future is out of reach.
Silence has taken your voice. The crease in your forehead makes you unapproachable. The curve in your back matches the limp in your walk. The mirror holds no reflection. Years of baggage have stolen your dreams. Forgiving yourself is not at the top of your to-do list. You simply don’t know how. Birthdays come and go. Christmas finds no cards on your mantel. Sadly to say, it’s all self inflicted. With great strength, you’ve managed to hold back the tides of caring family members and life long friends. You are your own worst enemy. You can’t forgive yourself. You no longer love yourself. Life has come to a screeching halt.
He can relate. With each step, the hill gets steeper and his past comes back stronger. This was not what he had planned for his life…any of it. There are plenty of people around…mostly onlookers..none of them friends. He has none. Life ended when his past became his present and future. He was by all means unlovable…unforgivable.
He wasn’t always this way. His childhood was average. Backyard football games. Sunday teams. Friday night dances. He was a good kid. Never made the honor roll but his grades held up. He was probably popular…especially with the girls. The long hair was in and he had a smile to kill. The light of his mother’s life. Even with no father around, he was a great kid. Everyone loved him.
Visions of his childhood run ramped through his head as the crowd begins to throw dirt and stones. It’s a hot day. The sun is boiling on his bare back. His feet manage to find every jagged rock. Mostly he stares at the ground. Not only is he unworthy to look eye to eye with anyone, he has become accustomed to hanging his head. The voices in his head reminded him of all the mistakes that brought him to this space in time.
Inside he was screaming!! He found himself shaking the kid he use to be. Warning him of his future. “Turn around!! Don’t go through that door!!! It isn’t worth it!! It isn’t worth it!!!” There is no one to listen.. and the kid in him just doesn’t care. No one does.
The crowd cheers louder. Not for him. As the soldiers draw their swords, he can see tomorrow. He isn’t in it. He’s always been afraid of heights. Never liked rock climbing, though today, he had no choice. Funny how facing your fear comes around whether you want it to or not. It takes 5 of them!!! Five well built, very tough looking soldiers to raise him in the air. There’s no use to fight. He deserves it!!!
Just one moment in time…one mistake…one lapse of judgement. The “what-ifs” take the last few beats of his very broken heart . This is it!!!! No escape…no hope…no turning around.
But wait!!!! The sun shines right above him…for the first time in 20 years, he looks up. It’s harder to breathe but he sees clearly. There’s a light…a light at the end of this very long tunnel. The voices scream louder than ever before. There’s a calm he hasn’t known since before that infamous night in history. Before he became a thief…a murderer. He has just enough breath for one request of the nearest stranger he can find…the only one within ear shot and eye contact.
“Lord, remember me when you come into your kingdom”. For the first time since that night so long ago, he had found hope. If only for a moment. Somehow, he felt worthy for just an instant. Laying it all on the line without knowing whether he would be accepted…still, he asked to be remembered. Would no one else remember his passing?
Jesus could have said no! He could have reminded him of all the things he had done over the last 20 years. All the mistakes. All the people he hurt. Lies, cruelty, even murder. And his poor mother…Oh what he had done to her heart. Jesus could have run down a list of why nots. A trip down memory lane to prove his unworthiness. He could have. He didn’t.
“Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise!” (Luke 23:43) All those years and all the sinner had to do was ask. Instantly, he was forgiven, loved, and received. No mention of his past. No need for explanations…just faith, and asking.
Nothing can separate us from His love!!! No amount of sin. Not an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy, not a night of unthought-out drinking, not a divorce….nothing!! When your mirror holds no image, go to His. He doesn’t ask you (or me) to clean up our act before coming. Just that we come. When you can find no hope, when you can’t forgive yourself, when all hope seems lost…look up. Just ask.
“He used his servant body to carry our sins to the cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing.” (1 Peter 2:24)
Letting Go (Part 3)
We all have a tape player. That angel or devil on your shoulder that whispers sweet nothings in your ear at each turning point in your life. As I’ve mentioned previously, my tape player only played negative thoughts. After hearing it long enough, I began to believe it.
I married at a rather early age. One of those choices I made “all on my own”!! FREEDOM was the only thing on my mind. Truth is, I had been suicidal for so many years that this seemed the only chance at a normal life. I was still a “diet Christian” with no signs of a relationship with God brewing. I began a whirlwind of wild behavior that I pray my children never hear of.
I remember one of my best friend’s mother. She was so graceful and pleasant. Sweet…I guess you would say. She was always in a dress. One of those that seems to flow like a breeze on an ocean front balcony. Oh I wanted to have that kind of Spirit. “God didn’t make me that way”, I always thought to myself. My crazy ways continued. I moved on…divorced….remarried and began having children.
Having children changed me in so many ways, but it did nothing to improve my relationship with God. I again settled into being able to do everything on my own. With each passing day, I grew “stronger” and my heart grew colder. I dug my heels in and determined to “get it right”, just not with Him. I never made a conscious decision to NOT turn to God, I had just never been taught how. Children aren’t born knowing how to talk, read, write, or pray. Those things must be taught. Praying is one of those things that must be taught by example and I never heard my parents pray. As an adult, I was still lost to this gift.
Just as things should have been going well, they took a turn for the worst. Yet again, I found myself single and “dating”. I was determined to make as many mistakes as I possibly could and let me tell you, I was well on my way. Before I realized it… I began drinking. For the first time in my life, I had more friends than I knew what to do with. My house was the party house and I had no less than 200 bottles of different types of alcohol in my house at any given time. I was sure proud of myself. My esteem was high, I felt great, I was “happy”. (And my children were watching).
I am ashamed to say this phase in my life lasted about 3 years. Church had become a holiday event and weekends were my time out. My adult time. I deserved it, or so I thought. Then out of the blue, like the ultimate parent He is, God began convicting me. Funny how He was convicting “me”. Afterall, hadn’t He seen all the trials I had been through in my life? Hadn’t He seen the abuse, the pain, the fear?? Why was He convicting me?? He should’ve been out chasing the bad guys. Yet, there I was wondering how I ended up in such a place.
I woke up one morning, fully clothed (thank God) in my living room floor. The night before was a fog and I had no clue how I managed to get home. I knew I hadn’t driven but who brought me home? My children sat around me staring. They never said a word but my heart was broken. How could I have allowed my children to see me this way? How did I get here? Even worse, how was I going to get out?? If only I could say it all ended there. Immediately everything around me began to crash. My job, my friends, my finances, everything was going down hill like a snowball headed south.
I knew where my life insurance policy was. I could envision my will and my loaded gun as I drove home from work one Friday evening. The tears were pouring out so heavily I could hardly see to drive. I couldn’t breathe and the tape player in my head was screaming at me “You will never amount to anything!!!! You might as well end it now!!!!” It wasn’t a conscious choice but it flooded my thoughts. How I made it through the weekend was only by the Grace of God. Sunday morning found me at church for the first time in a long time. The devil on my shoulder went along with me. With white knuckles and a constant buzzing in my hear, I held tight to the pew in front of me when the alter call was given. “Nothing’s going to change. You’ll never change”. Of course, I believed the tape player and stood still. Wild horses could not have moved me. Thankfully, I serve a powerful God that could. As the alter call was ended and everyone was leaving, my feet carried me to the head of the church where I approached our assistant pastor. I couldn’t speak. My sobbing was so uncontrollable, I couldn’t even give my name. Immediately he brought a lady over to pray for “whatever my need was”.
I would like to tell you I heard angels singing and a bright light showing me the way. I felt nothing. There was no earthquake and no sudden ease of guilt. I felt like the same sinner. The same lost soul. The difference was, God could now work through me. I had finally given up my own will and was open to His.
God doesn’t wait for us to change. He just waits for us to be open and willing to follow. He can and will change us. I am proud to say I haven’t had a drink since that night. I have an entirely new group of friends and church is my second home. I have also completely given my life entirely to Him. My children, my hopes, dreams, future, ministry, and yes…my checkbook.
