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learning to let go (part 1 of many to come)

02 Apr

Being a strong willed woman, it has never been easy for me to totally submit my life to God.  I’ve spent decades earning my independence after a childhood of abuse and poverty.  Releasing it all to God was not at the top of my “to-do” list.  Not, that I didn’t want to submit to God, but did I “really” have to submit it all?  After all, I have several decades of well earned mistakes to show for my independence.

So as I stand at a cross road in my life, I find myself searching through the archives of my past and seeing nothing good to show for all I’ve seen and done.  Looking into the eyes of my clones, I finally feel the tugging at my heart and the cricket on my shoulder.  With walls closing in and the number in my checkbook getting smaller, it is time to face facts… I am no longer able to do this alone.  Truth being, I never was. Thus, the well earned mistakes.

To be sure, we all have mistakes.  Some of us more than others.  Mine began at the age of 4.  Yes, I said 4!! I distinctly remember the moment in time (at least the first one) that altered my ability to trust and rely on others.  As a young child, the neighbor’s son violated my innocence.  I remember being afraid.  Though I was too young to know to call on God, I knew to go straight to my mother.  The words she said changed me forever.  Being a young mother herself at the time, I’m sure she didn’t realize the impact of her reaction.  She assured me that “I” would go to jail if something like that ever happened again.  That I was to tell no one.  That is exactly what I did.  Silence became my best friend and all that I could depend on.  I learned then not to ask for help, not to trust those in authority, and to be tougher than the one invading my space. 

So, my story begins…..

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7 Comments

Posted by on April 2, 2007 in Uncategorized

 

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7 responses to “learning to let go (part 1 of many to come)

  1. katrinawampler

    April 3, 2007 at 12:38 am

    I was raised as a “diet Christian”. We went to church faithfully each Sunday morning, but God was never mentioned in our home. I was never taught to talk to God and as life went on, God became more and more distant to me.

    One morning in church, I remember thinking God was more like a “disney character” to me. It was like going to disney for the day. While you’re there, you really enjoy the atmosphere, there is a smile on everyone’s face, and it’s the happiest place on earth. The moment you leave, it becomes a distant memory until the next appointed hour.

    I spent most of my life seeing God in this light. He allowed me to travel through many storms in order to get to a place where I could call Him Father.

     
  2. Daniele Flores (Dani)

    April 6, 2007 at 9:09 pm

    It is as though you have lived my life. Mine started later around 9 and it was my sister not me that was violated by my step-father, not a next door neighbor. I am still stuggling with giving my self and my problems wholly to God. I know I need to, but don’t know exactly how to do it. I don’t know where to begin. I tell him constantly that I give all my burdens to him, but find myself trying to fix the problems myself. I am tired of walking down this road of failure (at least that is what it feels like (faliure). I am tired of struggling and not getting anywhere. HELP ME!! How did you do it? What scriptures can I look to for guidance.

    Dani

     
  3. katrinawampler

    April 7, 2007 at 1:23 am

    My Dearest Dani,

    My heart breaks for you but I can tell you “I know how you feel”. Though I am sure those words bring little comfort, let me assure you, I have walked in your shoes.

    My abuse only began at the age of 4 with a neighbor. It did not stop there. I went on to be abused by my great grandfather’s room mate as well as my adopted father for a number of years. So, I have been there.

    I have spent my entire life trying to find a way to God. I constantly felt as if my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling as I prayed. In fact, I remember telling someone that God didn’t want a relationship with me because no matter what I tried, I couldn’t feel him. Holding onto the pew at church, I could hear that voice in my head saying “It won’t matter if you go to the alter, nothing will change.”

    The one verse (of many) that has brought me the most peace is Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans of hope and a future. Plans to prosper not to harm”. (Read my article on “You Don’t Have to Go Home”) This article stemmed from my life.

    Just reading that verse brought me NO hope. I can tell you until I got to the point that I had completely exhausted all my resources…until my life was as low as I thought it could get,…until that very moment when I was forced to look up, did I come to the realization that I had to totally commit my life to Christ.

    To be honest, once I finally handed everything over, I felt a huge load off my chest. The truth is, He is in control. If we leave everything in His hands and resolve to leave the results to Him, then He is responsible for the outcome…not us. We are responsible for trusting Him.

    Philippians 4:6,7

    “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request me known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ”.

    He knows our needs before we ask…before WE even know them. All we have to do is ask. He has promised to supply ALL our needs according to His riches in glory.. Now, your needs and my needs may be different. I have a need to be home with my children…you may have a different need. Either way, He has promised to supply our needs if we are comitted to Him.

    He has a plan for you. Before you can move forward, you have to forgive the one that offended you and/or your sister. That doesn’t mean you have to go face to face and say the words. But, you do have to lay it down and allow God to do a work in you. He is waiting. ANd as sure as I am standing here, He wants to have a relationship with you. Just as we desire a relationship with our children, He wants one with us even more.

    I am here. I will pray for you. I will pray with you. You don’t have to do this alone, in fact I suggest you don’t.

    “Truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them” Matthew 18:19, 20

    You may contact me anytime. You are not alone.

    Blessings,

    Katrina Wampler

     
  4. Daniele Flores (Dani)

    April 7, 2007 at 8:50 pm

    Thank you so much for those words of encouragement. I want to talk to my preacher about things going on in my life, but I don’t know where to begin. I want to give that part of my life to him I really do, but I say the words and I truly mean them. Then the thoughts the things I remember come back certain times of the year and I hate him all over again. I don’t know how to let those feelings go. I pray about it,but I feel as though I am doing something wrong. This time of the is the hardest. It begins the end of October and last until the summer. I know that hate is the root of evil, and with me holding that in it’s horrible. I don’t leave my house unless I have to. When I was a child we weren’t allowed to play outside and now I hate that I carry on the same way. I am going to do a lot of praying this week and I am also going to work on getting outside at least a couple of times. I know that little steps are better then none. Thank you for praying for me, I need it so much right now. My depression is getting the best of me and I need help to cope.

    Dani

     
  5. katrinawampler

    April 7, 2007 at 9:20 pm

    We all have a tape player in our head. When it comes time to make a decision or move forward, our tape player comes on. LIke a cricket on our shoulder, or perhaps and angel/devil whispering in our ear, it comes on to remind us, we are not alone…either way.

    For years, my tape player told me I was not good enough, that I would never amount to anything, that I would never be good enough, I was unworthy, unlovable, unimportant. What’s worse is, I believed that tape player. The more you hear something, the more you believe it.

    It took me decades to figure out how to turn that tape player off. In fact, I finally realized that in my own strength I could not. He can!!! Start with a few tips:

    1) each time you hear a negative thought, replace it with a positive one. Remember, the more you hear something, the more you believe it…make it positive.

    2) Find at least two verses that encourage you. Write them on large pieces of paper…like a banner, almost. Post them in places you will see first thing in the morning.

    3) Get a prayer journal. Write down your feelings…good or bad. Tell God exactly how you feel without holding back. If you are angry…tell Him.

    4) Write a letter to the offender. You don’t have to send it, but writing it will definitely help you get it off your chest and enable you to move forward one step at a time.

    5) Forgive yourself. Sometimes when we spend so many years angry, we tend to take the blame for someone else’s actions. As a child, we tend to feel responsible when we can’t protect someone we love.

    Remember, baby steps. One day at a time. One prayer at a time.

    He has promised Life and to live it more abundantly. He has promised rest…peace…and forgiveness. As a parent, He is waiting with His arms wide open for you to crawl home and cry. He will wipe your tears, bandage your wounds, and run His fingers through your hair for as long as it takes for you to heal. He is there….just call on Him.

     
  6. katrinawampler

    April 8, 2007 at 5:39 am

    My sister…Dani,

    As I searched the bible tonight for some sort of guidance as to where the Lord would have me write next, I came across a verse for you. I won’t post it here but I will tell you where to find it so that when you are able, the Lord can speak to you.

    2 Corinthians 2:5-11. It speaks on forgiving your offender and how Satan uses it against us when we don’t forgive, yet we are unaware.

    Read it. Pray over it. I am here. Together, we will take this to the throne of God. Until then, I will stand in the gap.

    Katrina

     
  7. Daniele Flores (Dani)

    April 10, 2007 at 3:18 am

    Thank you Katrina, That scripture hit the spot. I have held the pain and anger in so long and now I have to work on letting it go. I feel that because I am a stay at home mom and I homeschool I don’t get to cry and I mean really cry. When the kids were little I would let my feelings go by crying privately in my room. Now that I always have someone home I feel that I can’t get away and cry without being asked why I am crying. There are times I don’t know why, I jsut feel like crying. I believe I will begin reading this scripture daily to remind me of what I need to do.

    Thanks again,
    Dani

     

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