Dealing with the pain after everyone’s gone home.

31 Jan

You’ve all heard the story of my dear friend that lost her baby girl to SIDS last week. Many of you left comments and words of encouragement for her and she was so grateful that she asked me to email them to her to be printed and kept.

I spoke with her today and I’d like to share a bit of that conversation with you. My heart aches for her so I’m asking a HUGE favor from you. One thing she mentioned was that she went to the mailbox and it was the first day she didn’t receive a card. I’m asking any of you that are willing to send her a card and/or leave her a comment here.  (If you’ll leave your email address in the comments, I’ll send you her mailing address.)

I’ve never felt the pain of losing a child and Lord willing, I never will. I’ve lost many friends and so many times I’ve wondered, “how does life continue to keep moving as if my friend hadn’t gone”. The thought of her feeling this way tears my heart out.  Listen to her story and please, take a short moment to drop a card in the mail. She really needs it right now.

Katrina: Hi sweetie, how are you doing.

Christi: one second at a time.  Thank you for everything.

Katrina: I am sooo sorry sweetie, I can’t  imagine your pain but I am praying for your comfort.

Christi: thank you. I am not sure how to move forward. I know I must but I am not sure how.

Katrina: That has to be the hardest part. I told my kids about it..they were so upset and have been praying for you ever since. It makes you realize how short life really is.

Christi: oh wow.. love and cherish every second. My only fear is that people will stop praying.

Katrina: how can I help you? Does it hurt to talk about it?

Christi: no. It is really comforting

Katrina:  I can only imagine I’d be questioning God. I mean I know he has his reasons but why. I don’t question His reasons..but what are they? That is my question.

Christi: Yeah….He has trusted me with so much pain and I only hope that I can deal with it the way He wishes. I am not sure about this part of it….maybe someday I can to help others. Right now I am just sooooooo broken.

Katrina: How is your husband?

Christi: crushed, but he stays strong most of the time for the kids. She was his heart and he had to give her CPR
and then tell her goodbye.

Katrina: how devastating.

Christi: SIDS.. I just don’t understand. I mean I have been told there was nothing I could do.

Katrina: I don’t think anyone understands SIDS. I  hope my post “I know how you feel” helps. I didn’t know what else to do but write.

Christi: it did.  I haven’t read all of the responses. It was perfect, really!!!! I would love for you to send them to me via e-mail. That way I can print and save them. That would be great. I went to the mail box today…. the first day there was not a card

Katrina: I’m so sorry, Sweetie.

Christi: I would have liked to believe they could do something but you and I have been around long enough to know
but you still hope. she went to bed her usual cheerful self  and they tell me just simply fell “asleep”,  very peaceful. We can only hope to go to heaven that way, you know?

Katrina: Certainly.

Christi: Thank you for listening and all you have done. I am going to watch a movie with the boys and hang on to them for a while.

Katrina: I’m here if you need me.


I’d like to flood my dear friend with cards and letters. The hardest time is when folks go home and the house is quiet. Just a small note in the mail goes a long way. If you’re willing, please leave your email address and I’ll forward her address to you. Please leave her a note here and I will email them all to her. You are the most amazing viewers anyone could ask for.


Posted by on January 31, 2009 in encouragement


23 responses to “Dealing with the pain after everyone’s gone home.

  1. Jan Masters

    January 31, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    Please allow me the honor and privilege of offering support, love and light to these suffering souls. I have not lost a child and can only attempt to imagine their pain.

    Blessings to you for being such an amazingl heartfriend. We all need those!

  2. Betsy

    January 31, 2009 at 11:20 pm

    I would like to encourage her and you not to put any blame on God. We live in a sinful and fallen world. Bad things happen and bad things happen to good people. There are diseases, illnesses, accidents, and deaths that happen every day because of the world we live in. It is dying and we are all dying. Sin brought death into this world. God made a way that we will live forever through our faith in Jesus Christ. He loves us all, but He doesn’t micro-manage every detail in our lives. He doesn’t cause pain and evil. Man does that. Sin does that. That sweet baby is with the Lord now and if your friend is a believer, she too will be with her one day.

  3. Lee Ann

    February 1, 2009 at 12:01 am

    I would be willing to mail her a card. Please send me her address. my email is

  4. Debra Shiveley Welch

    February 1, 2009 at 12:51 am

    I hope this brings some comfort.

    Christi, when I was 24, 32 years ago, I died. And Christi, I went to this beautiful place where I was absolutely enveloped in love.

    That is where your baby girl is now. She is swaddled, immersed, saturated in love.

    She is happy, she is cared for, and I’m sure that she is waiting patiently for the day when she sees you again.

    You have suffered a horrible loss, I can’t even begin to imagine your pain, but please know that your little one is being well taken care of.

  5. Karen Cioffi

    February 1, 2009 at 2:34 am

    My heart and prayers go out to Christi and her family. I have a two month old grandson and I just can’t imagine…

    I do agree with Betsy in that sin brought death into the world and through faith in Jesus Christ we can live forever. And, also that God does not cause us pain and evil. There’s a scripture in the Bible that says, time and chance happen to all.

    If you think it will help, I will also send a card. Please send me Christi’s address.
    My email is

  6. Kristy R

    February 1, 2009 at 3:52 am

    I can send her a card- my email address is

    Dear Christi,

    I know your heart is broken, and I pray that God will hold you and your family in HIS hands during this difficult time. I can’t even imagine how you are feeling. I am a mother too- and our kids are our hearts. I pray that God will give you HIS peace that there was nothing you could do. HE has a bigger plan, but I believe with all my heart you will see her in heaven. God is so much bigger than we are- and one day you will know why your little girl was only in your lives for such a short time- but she will live forever in your hearts- and she is with Jesus now. He will take good care of her until you are reunited. God Bless you- and your family.

  7. Emilee

    February 1, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    I can be close to how you feel. When I was 10 years old my family lost my little sister Sarah to SIDS. It was a horrible night. But we talked a lot my mother had her family. Unfortunately the head patriarch or our sect said blatently to her what did you do, this was before it was 23 years ago, no back to sleep campaigns or anything. You are so very lucky and blessed to have so many caring for you-just knowing that makes me smile that your faith and hope will be strengthened. And you can do what my Mom does and knows, she knows that my sister is up there with her Heavenly father and Christ just waiting to be reunited to our family. And as we loose more loved ones, my grand parents have passed, she knows that they will be greeted by her. Your in my prayers through this trying time, but know that you are loved by so many. My dad put a picture up of my sister on find a grave, if you would like to see her visit; and if that does not work you can go to and Find A Grave Memorial# 6939791

  8. joylene

    February 1, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    my neighbour across the hallway and I had our babies around the same time in September 1973. She got home with hers before I did. The weird thing is they were both red heads and could have passed as brothers. My neighour’s son died at 11 days old. Our son Cory was 6 days old at the time. I never left my apartment. I never saw her the first month. I couldn’t leave Cory. I was too afraid. Every time I saw her, I’d burst out crying. I’m sure I made her feel worse. I laid Cory in a basket and lugged it around the apartment, every where I went. We took the legs off our bed so we could lay it on the floor. That way, I could put the basket beside me and sleep with my hand near Cory’s chest. (That tiny little baby is a soldier serving in Afghanistan today.)

    Eighteen years later, we lost our oldest son, Jack, he was 23. My old neighbour attended his funeral. I smiled at her, asked how she was. Chitchatted a bit. I kept thinking she looked familiar. Didn’t recognize her until someone told me later. Then I realized that it was her eyes that looked familiar. They were filled with a deep profound sorrow.

  9. joylene

    February 1, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    sorry, I still get coughed up. I meant to add my deepest sympathies to Christi. I’m so sorry for her loss.

  10. Marvin D Wilson

    February 1, 2009 at 8:05 pm

    Sending prayers your way for sure. Hang in there, Christi – the pain never goes ALL the way away, but it lessens with time. Try and focus on your blessings, dwelling on the loss only magnifies it. I know – easier said than done, but my wife and I have been there, we survived the agony of a still birth – had a funeral and everything. It’s rough. But we prayed that God would bring us another daughter and He did. I still believe China is the same soul that we lost 3 years before she was born.

    God loves you AND your child. He just took the child home sooner than you, however difficult that may be to make sense of or understand.

  11. Linore Rose Burkard

    February 2, 2009 at 12:08 am

    What a blessing that you allow your friend to talk about her pain with you. Many people want to help, but feel too afraid to confront the pain head-on. Some people are so hung up on “I don’t know what to say,” that they don’t call to talk at all! It’s much better to admit you feel awkward, and don’t know what to say, than not to call.
    Anyway, I will be praying for Christa. Thanks for sharing her story with us.


  12. Margaret

    February 2, 2009 at 12:40 am

    Kat — do please email me your friend’s address – I’d love to send her a card.

    Christi, you are in my hearts and prayers.

    Margaret Fieland

  13. Tiffany

    February 2, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    Katrina,just wanted to let you know that I visited your site and I read your story about your friend.I didn’t really know what to say,but I felt I should write something.So,if you think it will make her feel any better then you can send her this…… Christi, Hi,I read about your story.I really don’t know what to say,I have never lost a child or even know anyone who has lost a child.(I do know a few people who have had miscarriages.)So,I cannot relate to your story in any way.But,when I read your story it touched me inside and I felt that I should write something.I know that sometimes it does help to hear someone say”I am sorry for your loss”.Although I haven’t lost a child,I did recently lose a loved one.Someone I was very close to,my sister,Sabrina.I was closer to her than anyone else in this entire world, and I can tell you it was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.I miss her so very much,she was my ROCK.But,I imagine that if I were ever to lose a child,it would probably hurt me ten times worse.So,I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss & I hope that you have plenty of friends & family that will stick by your side and help you through this tough time. Sincerely,Tiffany Wampler

  14. Joyce A. Anthony

    February 4, 2009 at 12:11 am

    Katrina: you know my email–please send me Christi’s addres.

    Now, I want to pass on two things–and will do it here in case someone else also needs to hear this.

    My son woke twice when he was younger, crying a deeper, more sorrowful cry than I have ever heard from him. When he was able to talk, he told me he had “been to the beautiful place but they wouldn’t let me stay”. Now, he was no more than 3 or 4, didn’t read, didn’t know there was such a thing as TV or movies. Yet, the description he gave of going and being there was so similar to what I have read from those with near-death experiences, that it actually scared me-because I believed he had visited Heaven.

    That being said, I am sure this precious baby is in a wonderful and comforting place.

    Second thing: My son learned about death at a very early age–both with animals and human. Needless to say, he questioned–especially at six, when a schoolmate perished in a fire. He has always noticed things I don’t, and shortly after this, a feral cat we had been feeding got hit by a car. This is what Shane told me then (The words aren’t exact, but the idea is)

    He told me that he had figured it out. He said that it seems when children die, there is always an animal that also dies. He said he thinks that God knows when a child’s parents won’t be in Heaven for them and He also knows when one of His animals (**we have always called ferals, God’s kitties or God’s puppies**) doesn’t have any people to love it. So…he thinks what happens is God takes a child and a homeless animal at the same time-so they can love each other and not be scared.

    Since then, I have come to know Shane has a spiritual awareness unlike any I have ever seen–and I think he may just be correct.

  15. Sharon Alm

    February 6, 2009 at 2:52 am

    Please share Christi’s mailing information with me.


  16. Bethany

    February 6, 2009 at 6:50 pm

    I am deeply saddened and touched at the loss your dear friend has suffered. At birth, I almost lost my son. His heart almost stopped, he turned blue and almost stopped breathing…when we brought him home I was terrified of leaving him alone. Every week that would pass, a prayer would pass my lips of, “Thank you, Father.”

    While I now, praise God, have a happy and healthy child, and only caught a glimpse of what it would be like to lose a child, I am saddened by her loss, and my heart goes out to her. Please send me her address so I can send her a card or at least an e-mail to encourage her. I will be praying for her and her family.

  17. Robin Martin

    February 9, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    Please send me Christi Phillips email. I would love to encourage her.
    I too had a loss recently. It was different than most. God has blessed my husband and I to allow our family to grow through adoption. Eighteen years ago it was devasting for me (at 21) to discover I may not birth children, now that I am more mature naturally and spiritually I realize and accept God’s plan. We have two daughters from their birth and if I had to do it all over again, I honestly can say God’s way is the BEST. On Dec. 23, 2008 we were called to pick up newborn boy from the hospital. Birthmother had history of drugs, etc. We were told it was very possible we would adopt him. He was 6days old when we got him and 5 days later we were told the judge was going to give birthmom a chance to clean up and take baby to rehab with her. “Little Tony” stayed with us 33 days and our family cherishes those days. We committed him to God and he may come back to us, he may not and we pray God’s will for the birthmom. This loss is different than Christi’s I realize. I can not relate to carrying life inside, seeing the manifestation, and then she’s gone. But I can relate to a mother’s love. Once the child is here and she/he is yours, God’s gift. There’s nothing like it. My heart is deeply touched Christi. Jesus will be your strength as you talk with him. God’s Blessings.

  18. Christi (Kaylen's Mom)

    February 14, 2009 at 1:32 am

    I am so blessed to have so many people praying and sending cards/notes You will never know how much each word has touched my life. Today marks her 3 week aniversary in heaven and away from our arms. The days remain long, and our nights are longer, but God assures us that He has a plan, and that we will see our beauitul daughter again one day. Until then we grieve our loss, but are humbled by the words of people we haven’t had the opportunity to meet. Thank you so much.

    Some have asked what they can do, and I am convinced that we are only able to function is through the prayers of others. Please continue to pray as we try to re-group and face the challenges of everyday life. Pray for my two boys who don’t fully understand why their sister is not here to play with them. Ryan is 8, and loves God, and spends time everyday reminding God to take good care of her. Devin is 5 and suffers with special needs. Please pray that God will calm his fears and that he will start to rest after all of the changes in his life. He is suffering from nightmares, and has many questions. Please continue to pray for Chris and I as we grieve. Pray that we can somehow give God the praise for our time with Kaylen even in our loss. We will forever be greatful for these prayers and will continue to lift each of you up to our Father who sees your willingness to encourage this stranger.

    With love and prayers,

    Christi (Kaylen’s Mommy)

  19. Jennifer Barbee

    February 15, 2009 at 2:27 am

    I am a good friend of Christi’s. I know that she loooved to dress Kaylen in polk-a-dots. So when you send her a card maybe you can find one with dots on it.

    Christi, I love you so much and I thank you for inviting me into your circle of friends. I know that today God made sure that Kaylen was wearing polk-a-dots. I am also sure that no matter how long it takes God will pull you through this. I am here for you.

    Jenn Chucci Barbee

  20. Amy Duke

    February 17, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    My name is Amy and I am honored to say that Christi invited me into her life and the lives of her family. I was and still am totally in Love with Kaylen. She blessed my life and the lives of my family each and every day. I was so lucky to get to hold her and love her. My friend Christi is one of the strongest women that I know. I have seen her in her weakest moment and still the love of our Lord shines through her. I pray for her and her family each day. I listen when she needs someone to listen I cry when she needs someone to cry with her, I laugh with her when she needs to laugh., But most of all I just love her and cherrish her. I am so greatful that I get to call Christi my friend. I know that the loss of Kaylen is all part of God’s bigger plan. What that plan is, is not for me to know, but I do know that Kaylen’s short life spread more of God’s love than anything that I have ever seen. She blessed me, more than I ever thought possible, my only hope is that I can show that unconditional love to others, the way that Kaylen taught us to love.

  21. mindy ritenour

    February 18, 2009 at 6:02 am

    Christi- I can’t imagine the pain that you are feeling right now. I do want to say that I am truly sorry for your loss. I have a daughter who is six and I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to lose her. If I understand correctly you have other kids at home. Hold them close and tell them that you love them every day. You can keep your daughter’s memory alive by talking about her. Even though you had her for a short period, only God knows why. He has a great plan for your little angel and only He knows what it is. My step-mom use to tell me “God never gives you too much to bear.” Sometimes I question that. But your little one was a part of this world for a reason, and it’s an awesome thing to know that she’s up in heaven with her heavenly Father and looking down on you and your family. I will pray that He comforts you and your family and helps you to understand why this happened. ALSO- I would love to send you a card or letter of encouragement. Here is my email address: Take care and God bless

  22. Karen Parker

    February 20, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    I am Kaylen’s aunt and I want to say thank you for all the comments and prayers that you guys have given to our family. Kaylen was a beautiful child and she was loved by everyone that laid eyes on her. She held a special place in my heart and I am still trying to figure it all out. My heart breaks daily because of the loss of her but I know that our God has a plan for us. Please continue to pray for us, that God will give us the strength to keep going and to not question why. Thank you all.

  23. Chris Russ

    February 21, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Chris,Christie, and ALL the family,
    This great sadness touches more lives than you could imagine. I am so grateful that your sweet baby girl has such a LOVING FAMILY to care for her here on earth for her short life. It is a great comfort as Christians to know she is in a perfect place and that we too will be there one day also. The greatest sadness is for non-christians–that sorrow must be truely unbearable. No, I have never lost a child, but the hardest thing we have ever been through was losing our two precious identical twin grandsons, Nikolas Alexander and Nathaniel Logan. They were still born. We still feel we were blessed to be able to be with our son and “daughter” at their great time of grief, that God is in total control. The day (I was present) they did the ultrasound to find out the sex , when it got to the last part-there was no blood flow. That is the same day my hsuband lost his job. The next week, the other baby was dead too. Thankfully, we were able to be there with them in the hospital from Tuesday night through Thurday morning when they finally delivered. LIfe is seldom how we imagine, but God never leaves us! And I do believe we do go through tough time so we can encourage others through their struggles. I do pray that God will be ever close and give you comfort. No one ever said this life would be easy. But God does say He will never leave us. God Bless !!!
    P.S.-Keep them in your prayers also as they anxiously await the arrival of thier “1” child due Sept 35,2009. (Keep trusting.)
    Chris and Family


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