How far IS the East from the West?

12 Aug

This has been such a week of revelation and heart break for me. A week when I’m reminded of a horrible past and the NEED to fall at the feet of Jesus.

I will be 36 years old this year. I’m barrelling into midlife as hard as I can and yet here I am today dealing with pain I caused 20 years ago. God’s timing is an amazing thing. I was a totally different person 20 years ago.When Jesus said, “if the Son has set you free, you are free indeed”, I’m sure he was pointing at me.  When He said, “I will make you a new creation in Christ”, He had me in mind.  Not because I am now such a wonderful creation but because in my past I was such a dispicable one.  Once I came to know the Lord, there could only be a contrast in my past and present because of how dark my past really was.

How do we ever get to a point of letting go of all that has been? I don’t at all mean letting go of what has been done to us, but letting go of what we’ve done ourselves. Each day I look in the mirror and I see all the pain I’ve caused. All the selfishness and damage. When Christ called me to be His bride, I grabbed my suitcases and drug them down the aisle to make my committment. Each day He reminds me that He sees the person I’ve become not the person He found in the pits of Hell with a gun in her mouth.

But 20 years later, I see things I never saw back then. How did I miss it? How did I not know that my sins would have life lasting affects? How did I not know that? Moving forward in freedom can be such a long hard process. It is so hard not to go backwards and pick up the shame and guilt of what we’ve done.

If God forgives us and casts our sins as far as the East is from the West, I wonder how far that is. Is it too far for Him to go back and get it? I will continue to cling to His grace like a life line. Without it, I have nothing. I can not hold on in my own strength and I am so thankful that He continues to hold tight to me..otherwise I’d sink in this shame.


Posted by on August 12, 2009 in encouragement


4 responses to “How far IS the East from the West?

  1. Terri

    August 12, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    The Lord also teaches us that he forgives us our sins. We also know that once we turn them over to him, they are no longer ours. You have got to forgive yourself before the burden of the past will leave you. Know that He is there, Know that He will stay with you forever, Know that He loves YOU, not your behavior. FORGIVE YOURSELF…

  2. Katie Hines

    August 12, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    Katrina, I think that when we become Christians, we become new creations, as the scripture tells us. When the past rears up its ugly head, we have to cling to that forgiveness that we’ve received from the Lord – whether it’s about things done to us, or things we’ve done to others.

    Certainly, if there is a specific example of something done to another, and we feel God’s leading, then we are to go to that one and request forgiveness. It is not always given, but at that point, you can know that you’ve done all that God requires.

    If it is something done to us, then we must reach out for God’s hand of mercy and forgive ourselves yet again, and know that He already has.

  3. theoldsilly

    August 12, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    Katrina, this too shall pass. There is a season for everything. What is that scriptural passage – the one the Byrds and Bob Dylan had song hits with back in the 60’s? “To everything, turn, turn, turn – there is a season, turn, turn. Look that up and read it, meditate and pray on it. And remember our trials and frustrations here are just grist for the mill, fuel for the cauldron that purifies us in preparation for the perfection of afterlife in the realms of heaven.

    And know that I and so many others love you and keep you in the heart and prayer. Hey contact me whenever ya feel the need, ok? You got all my addys and numbers. 😉

    Marvin D Wilson

  4. Joyce

    August 13, 2009 at 2:31 am

    Hey Sweetie–the problem is you need to forgive yourself. Twenty years ago, you were a mere kid–unable to see with the clarity of the adult you eventually became. We can’t go back and undo our pasts, but God washed your spirit clean. You are loved, Katrina–by God, your family and your friends (me included)–now is time to love yourself and know that you are not your past.


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