This has been such a week of revelation and heart break for me. A week when I’m reminded of a horrible past and the NEED to fall at the feet of Jesus.
I will be 36 years old this year. I’m barrelling into midlife as hard as I can and yet here I am today dealing with pain I caused 20 years ago. God’s timing is an amazing thing. I was a totally different person 20 years ago.When Jesus said, “if the Son has set you free, you are free indeed”, I’m sure he was pointing at me. When He said, “I will make you a new creation in Christ”, He had me in mind. Not because I am now such a wonderful creation but because in my past I was such a dispicable one. Once I came to know the Lord, there could only be a contrast in my past and present because of how dark my past really was.
How do we ever get to a point of letting go of all that has been? I don’t at all mean letting go of what has been done to us, but letting go of what we’ve done ourselves. Each day I look in the mirror and I see all the pain I’ve caused. All the selfishness and damage. When Christ called me to be His bride, I grabbed my suitcases and drug them down the aisle to make my committment. Each day He reminds me that He sees the person I’ve become not the person He found in the pits of Hell with a gun in her mouth.
But 20 years later, I see things I never saw back then. How did I miss it? How did I not know that my sins would have life lasting affects? How did I not know that? Moving forward in freedom can be such a long hard process. It is so hard not to go backwards and pick up the shame and guilt of what we’ve done.
If God forgives us and casts our sins as far as the East is from the West, I wonder how far that is. Is it too far for Him to go back and get it? I will continue to cling to His grace like a life line. Without it, I have nothing. I can not hold on in my own strength and I am so thankful that He continues to hold tight to me..otherwise I’d sink in this shame.